It’s a familiar scenario: a child who has generally been sweet and cooperative (with the occasional exception) reaches their teenage years, retreats to their bedroom, and stops talking to you. Maybe they drop out of activities they once enjoyed, spend hours on social media, and their friendship group changes. When you ask about school, their responses are either inexplicably angry or s “fine,” leaving you clueless about their life. They may express views that differ significantly from your own, and at times, it feels as if a stranger has moved in—someone who’s tough to live with.
The first thing to understand is that many of these changes are not only completely normal for an adolescent, but can also indicate that things are on track. Adolescents undergo a developmental process where they begin to separate from their childhood dependence on their parents and start to establish their own identity. This phase of self-discovery—figuring out who they really are, what they believe in, and where they stand on important issues—can be turbulent. It might feel like your teenager is picking arguments just to argue, and in a way, they are. This is a necessary part of them asserting their own views and beliefs.
As they work on becoming their own person, teenagers may also abandon hobbies or interests they’ve been passionate about for years. For parents, this can be tough to witness, especially when you remember how much time and effort they’ve dedicated to these activities. You might feel rejected as they retreat to their bedroom, binge on social media, and turn down family meals in favour of junk food. But it’s important to recognize that for a teenager to develop into an adult, they may need to distance themselves from both their childhood self and your values—at least temporarily.
This stage in life requires growth for both the adolescent and the parent. How do you start trusting that your teenager can make their own decisions and has enough common sense to keep themselves safe? You’ll likely face many arguments over independence, and you may find yourself re-evaluating the rules and boundaries you’ve always relied on. Your teenager will likely vacillate between wanting more independence and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility it brings. It’s common for them to be torn between these two opposing desires—becoming an adult is both exciting and frightening. Clinging to the “my house, my rules” mindset may only lead to more conflict. Your child is becoming an adult, and some of the rules will need to evolve.
A good place to start is by putting yourself in your teenager’s shoes. If they’re still willing to talk to you, try to set aside time to listen. For many, having conversations in the car, walking the dog, or engaging in an activity that doesn’t require direct eye contact can be more effective. You may be surprised by what they reveal and how they see the world. For example, when you ask about their latest school project, do they feel like you don’t trust them? Are they anxious about their grades, fearing they won’t be good enough or that their future will be bleak? Are they as confident in their group of friends as they appear? Resist the urge to offer advice unless it’s clearly wanted, and instead try to empathise with the emotional chaos they’re navigating. The world feels incredibly complex and overwhelming to a teenager, and as they begin to understand this complexity, it can be terrifying. Many teens are already concerned about major global issues, such as climate change or political instability, while also managing everyday stresses like school and family life. It’s no wonder many retreat to their rooms to process it all.
Of course, for some teenagers, this stage goes beyond typical turbulence and becomes more risky or difficult. If your child is engaging in behaviours that put their health at risk—such as drug use, self-harm, or unhealthy eating habits—or if you feel that the situation is unmanageable, it may be time to seek professional. If you suspect that their challenges are going beyond the normal adolescent upheaval into issues like depression or anxiety, getting help can be crucial. In some cases, therapy or counselling might be needed, either for your child or for you as a parent, to help you navigate this challenging time. If things are in crisis then call 111 and ask for urgent mental health support.
Ultimately, most teenagers come through this stage of life as reasonable, independent adults with their own ideas, which may or may not align with your own. When they successfully emerge as individuals with their own beliefs, goals, and passions, it’s a sign that you, as a parent, have done your job well.
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