When a couple separates parents may have a range of feelings that might include distress, anger, regret, frustration; there might be significant financial consequences, practical decisions to be made, a life to be re-evaluated.  This is difficult for anyone, but for parents there is of course a whole other level of complexity: how to ensure that the children are well supported through this time of enormous change.

No-one is going to be “perfect” in terms of what they can manage, and everyone is in a different situation – but having some guiding principles in mind can be helpful.

1. Both parents still love the children: It is going to be clear to your children that your feelings for each other have changed.  But both parents need to be very clear with the children that they are still loved by both parents and that the separation has not been caused by the children. 
2. Listen to all worries and feelings: Take time to listen to how your children are feeling about the situation rather than assuming you know.  Their thoughts and worries will be different for different children and at different ages, but they might not be what you are expecting.  Take all worries and questions seriously, from “Will Father Christmas know where to come?” to “Does this mean you will have to sell the house?” Children may have seen friends’ parents separate, and might form assumptions based on this – perhaps a friend who lost contact with a parent or where parents were arguing in front of them. 
3. Children’s needs first:  You may have all sorts of feelings in relation to your ex-partner, they may have behaved entirely unreasonably in all sorts of ways.  But when it comes to the children, try to think honestly about what is in their best interests.  When working out living arrangements for example, what would be better for your children?  It’s not necessarily a complex pattern of 3 days here, 4 days there alternating on different weeks with a complex algorithm that deicides up holidays and weekends exactly in two (though it might be).  Try not to think so much “what is fair to me” as “what can my child manage, what will help them to feel safe & secure”. 
4. Clear communication in all directions: Whatever you decide on in terms of contact arrangements, it needs to make sense to your child.  If your child is old enough to have a conversation, make sure this happens.  If your child has understandable split loyalties and finds it hard to express a preference, maybe consider if they could speak more honestly to a friendly aunt or uncle, family friend or other trusted adult so that you are sure you know their views.  Keep revisiting how their views may change over time.  Make sure they know that they can talk honestly about their new living arrangements, even if this is difficult to hear.  Remember that children often communicate in ways other than words, which can include changes in behaviour so be alert to these and thoughtful about what your child is letting you know: this could include changes in eating or sleep, more challenging behaviour (or becoming withdrawn), falling behind at school and so on, or acting as a younger child might / clinging to you more.   
5. Some flexibility: So it’s “your” weekend to have the children, but they have been invited to a birthday party nearer your ex partner’s home?  These are the sorts of issues that are going to feel very important to your child, and where a little flexibility goes a long way.  They will be watching you both clearly to see if they really do come first. 
6. Keep the disagreements somewhere else:There are likely to be some issues that you and your ex-partner don’t agree on, whether these are relatively small or big issues around the house, finances, parenting approach and so on.  Make sure these are discussed when the children are not around (or overhearing), definitely not at times when they children are being dropped off or collected
7. Work as a team: You’re still both the parents of your child or children, so some shared approaches are likely to be helpful.  It’s not going to be great for your children if expectations are wildly different in two different homes.  Can you have some agreement about bedtimes, screen time, sweets & treats (and so on) so that children experience you both as more or less on the same page?  Of course, this requires co-operation from both parents, but trying to have a view of “we are in this parenting job together” is going to be so helpful if you can manage it. 
8. Keep your children “out of it”: It can be tempting to ask your children questions about your ex-partner and you may well be curious (or angry, suspicious, furious), but it’s not going to be helpful to the children to be quizzed about any aspect of your ex’s life.  Children will see through any attempt to do this.  Likewise if your ex-partner is feeding your child chips every day, letting them stay up until midnight or getting them to school late then a muttered comment about your ex’s general uselessness and hopeless parenting is not going to help your child – these are issues that need to be thought about between you as adults.  “Thanks for letting me know, I’ll have a chat with mummy when we next talk” is going to be much more helpful than venting your frustrations to your child. 
9. Get the support that you need:You’re not superhuman, you’re doing your best and this is a very difficult situation.  Draw in all the support you can from friends and family – it’s fine to vent to them !  Consider if you also need professional support.
10. Make sure the child’s network can support them as well:Keep your child’s school / nursery updated and pull in any support for your children that they might need.  Helpful aunts, uncles or grandparents?  A family friend?  If you child is seriously struggling with the changes, might they benefit from some therapy or counselling?