Discovering that your child is self-harming—particularly through cutting—can be deeply distressing. It can stir up a wave of emotions: shock, sadness, confusion, even anger. You might find yourself wondering how this could happen, especially after years of doing your best to protect and support them. Perhaps you weren’t even aware anything was wrong.
The most important thing to understand is that self-harm is not a meaningless or attention-seeking act. It’s a coping mechanism—a response to overwhelming emotions or situations—and often a signal that a young person is struggling and in need of support. There are usually multiple factors at play, and understanding the reasons behind the behaviour is a crucial first step toward helping.
Why Do Teenagers Self-Harm?
Self-harm can serve several emotional functions. Some of the most common include:
- A Cry for Help
For some, self-harming is a way to alert others—and themselves—that something isn’t right. It may be the only way they feel able to express emotional pain or ask for help.
- Emotional Numbing
While cutting causes physical pain, it can temporarily numb more intense emotional distress—such as anxiety, guilt, fear, or sadness. Some describe entering a dissociative or “shut-down” state where they feel detached from their emotions.
- Distraction
Focusing on physical injury can offer a break from complex or overwhelming feelings. In that moment, the attention shifts to a clear and manageable issue—the wound—and the care it requires.
- Peer Influence
In certain peer groups, self-harm may become a way to demonstrate emotional depth or gain validation. A teen might feel that unless they show visible signs of distress, their feelings aren’t taken seriously.
- Release of Pressure
Many describe the act of cutting as releasing emotional build-up, much like letting air out of a balloon. It may offer brief relief from internal tension.
- Self-Punishment
Some young people harm themselves in response to perceived failures or mistakes—whether related to school, relationships, body image, or food. It becomes a way to express self-criticism and guilt.
- A Sense of Control
In times when everything feels chaotic or unpredictable, self-harming can give a false sense of control. It becomes something they “can” control when everything else feels out of reach.
- Compulsion or Intrusive Thoughts
Some teenagers experience a strong, unexplained urge to self-harm—sometimes driven by intrusive thoughts. They may feel as though they “have” to do it, without knowing why.
Regardless of the reason, self-harm is always a sign that a young person is struggling. Unlike externalised behaviours (e.g., acting out at school), self-harm turns distress inward and is often hidden. But it’s never trivial—and it’s never attention-seeking in the negative sense. If someone is seeking attention, it’s because they need attention.
What Can Parents Do?
Here are practical steps you can take to support your child:
- Stay Calm
It’s natural to feel panic or overwhelm, but your ability to stay steady will help your child feel safe. Remember, this behaviour is a form of communication.
2. Avoid Judgment
Your child may already feel ashamed or afraid. Avoid blaming, shaming, or minimising their experience. Acknowledge that this is a coping strategy, even if it’s not a safe one
3. Listen First, Then Talk
Let them speak freely about what they’re feeling. Ask open-ended questions. Don’t assume you know the reason—really try to understand what’s beneath the surface.
4. Focus on the Root Cause
While stopping the behaviour is important, it’s even more essential to address what’s causing the distress. Helping them develop new, healthier coping mechanisms is key.
5. Limit Access to Harmful Tools
Consider keeping sharp objects (razors, pencil sharpeners, penknives) in a less accessible place. This doesn’t stop the impulse, but it creates a pause—a chance for reconsideration.
6. Encourage Support from Others
If your teen finds it hard to talk to you (as many do), help them identify another trusted adult they might confide in—perhaps a teacher, family friend, or youth worker.
7. Prioritise Physical Safety
Make sure your child knows how to clean wounds and sterilise tools if they are self-harming. This shows you care about their wellbeing, even while you’re trying to help them stop.
8. Give Them More Control in Everyday Life
Helping your child feel empowered in other areas may reduce the need for control through self-harm. Small decisions, responsibilities (like caring for a pet), or having more say in daily choices can help.
9. Create a “Crisis Plan” Together
Talk through what they might do if they feel the urge to self-harm. This might include calling a helpline, texting a friend, listening to music, or going to a safe space. The National Self Harm Network offers distraction strategies worth exploring as well as other support and information for young people and their families.
10. Consider Professional Help
If self-harming continues or escalates, a therapist with experience in adolescent mental health can provide vital support either to the young person or to the parents (or both). Make it clear that seeking professional help is not a failure—or a rejection of you—but an act of courage and strength.
Don’t Forget to Care for Yourself
Supporting a child who is self-harming can be emotionally exhausting and frightening. It’s important to seek help for yourself too—whether from friends, a specialist therapist, or a support group. Finding space to reflect and process your own feelings on the one hand or take some space to do something else that you enjoy on the other, will help you to best support your child as well as offering you some much needed space and time to process things.